Top 5 Things to Know About “New Disney”

In 1985, the Coca Cola company made a desperate attempt to raise profits by introducing “New Coke.” The rebranding of both format and formula was met with backlash by Coke purists, much like Orthodox Jews balk at the New Testament. “If you wanna raise prophets, stick with the old stuff!” both parties probably say.

I was worried that this is how I would feel about “New Disney.” Would it still feel like Disney with all the new changes? Were the months of zero income from park admission going to jack the prices up so high it wouldn’t even be worth it? Do giant character mascot heads count as “face coverings?” These were the questions that kept me up the night before we went to Magic Kingdom.

Of course, if I had read anyone else’s Disney blog, I would have had the answers to these questions. Yeah, masks are hot, but they’re really not that bad. A small price to pay to return to the land of magic. Speaking of small prices, there was no evidence of any price gouging. And even without outdoor shows or fireworks, it still felt like the happiest place on earth.

I was more than pleasantly pleased with the overall experience. But I was also surprised to discover subtle changes and significant similarities that I wasn’t expecting. So I thought I would let you in on the five things you need to know about “New Disney” that you may not have thought about. And no, I’m not gonna touch the castle’s new paint job. We all know it’s ugly.

1. The rides are bumpier. 

The first thing we did once we entered the park and had taken the obligatory selfie in front of the castle was Space Mountain. The app and the digital sign outside the ride entrance said the wait was 10 minutes. When we walked up, though, the line was out the door and winding around toward the Carousel of Progress. Now granted, it was two hours after opening (I had tweaked my back the night before so I didn’t sleep well. I slept in a little later than usual AND the monorails are much slower now with cleaning procedures so we took the ferry. All that to say, we got in the park later than planned.) but we still expected to be able to stand in line inside, out of the brutal pre-noon Florida sun.

Fast forward 12 minutes and we are walking out of Space Mountain, our hair whipped around and my back magically realigned. The lines and loading process are extremely efficient. We waited outside for only two or three minutes. With spacing 6 feet apart, the lines are longer (in feet) but much shorter (in minutes). Also, because of social distancing, only two rows of each ride car are utilized. Though the weight was still distributed evenly, there were much fewer people to weigh down the simulacrum rockets, and you could feel it.

This trend became even more apparent in the boat-based rides. Pirates of the Caribbean, Splash Mountain, even It’s a Small World bumped and dipped and splashed more than normal. They aren’t kidding when they sing “It’s a world of fear.”

2. The rides are darker.

The other thing we noticed first at Space Mountain was that it was much more eerie. With fewer people on each ride and fewer cars running, it was quiet. You couldn’t hear anyone else screaming but yourself. But that wasn’t the eeriest part. You also couldn’t see your own hand in front of your face. It was pitch black. At first, I thought they might have turned extra lights off to save energy–and thus money they had lost from March to July. But then we rode Buzz Lightyear and I noticed I couldn’t find where my laser was. I quickly realized it’s always like that, and after Maria whooped me by over 300,000 points, she graciously let me pick the next ride.

Now I know the layout of Haunted Mansion pretty well. I would even bet that I could walk through it in my sleep without tripping over any happy haunts or ghostly gravestones. But when we got into our Doom Buggy and started into the mansion, it was so dark I couldn’t see anything that lay ahead of us. It took me a while to realize what was going on.

Arguably the best part of “New Disney” is that the lines are shorter than the rides themself. The queues are so quick that you never even stand still. While I missed the stretching portrait room presentation, I was thrilled to get on Haunted Mansion in just five minutes. But then it hit me: my eyes hadn’t had enough time to adjust to the dark. Normally, while waiting for Space Mountain, you spend twenty+ minutes in the warped window constellation hallway. In Haunted Mansion, the Arby’s commercial narrator glosses over the skeletal suicide in the ceiling while our pupils dilate to take in every detail. This is no longer the case–you’re moved from the blinding sunlight to the dark track of the ride in only a handful of minutes. Even the Dumbo ride had me amazed at how much darker it was, until I realized that I still had my sunglasses on and a massive summer storm cloud had blocked out the sun.

3. Character meets aren’t as intimate. 

As a part of our Disney checklist, we are trying to meet all of the characters at each park. To answer my question from earlier, I don’t think the CDC recognizes mascot heads as acceptable face covering, because there were no characters out and about. The only time we saw characters were up on floats and on balconies high above the sparse crowds. The majority of them would simply wave and dance, but you could tell there were some characters that were starved for social interactions.

Normally, when we meet characters, I get very involved in whatever the characters are talking about. I’ve had ten-minute conversations with Elena of Avalor about her flying jaguar’s diet and with Edna Mode about what really constitutes a “cape”. These nice little chats are fun, if uncomfortable for Maria, but they are always private. When I’m talking to Jack Sparrow or Stitch, I know they’re the only ones hearing what I’m saying.

That is no longer the case. Yes, the characters still want to talk to you, but they have to do so from a raised platform. We learned this lesson the hard way when Cinderella’s step sisters came out on the balcony of the castle. They immediately spotted our “Happily Ever After” engagement buttons and struck up a conversation…from about 30 feet away. Since we were wearing masks, we had to shout our answers so they–and the rest of the patrons in the park–could hear.

When Drizella asked me how we met, I was about to yell at the top of my lungs: “I WAS HER TEACHER. SHE WAS MY STUDENT AND THEN WE STARTED DATING. DON’T WORRY, SHE EARNED HER A.” Thankfully, before I could do that, Maria elbowed me hard and sweetly and succinctly answered “School. We met at school.”

4. The Country Bear Jamboree is NSFW.

This isn’t anything new to Disney, I had just never seen it before. And that’s probably because there is so much to do at Disney. If you only have 7 hours in a park with over 50 attractions, typically the CBJ is near the bottom of your list. But when each ride only has a 10 minute wait, you run out of things to do pretty quick. After a few hours of walking around in the 95 degree heat, we decided we’d bite the bullet and sit in the A/C for ten minutes. Little did I know that the break for my feet would turn into a workout for my abs.

All I can say is that every single one of those bears must be in heat. I was sunburnt and sweaty going in, but my face was way redder coming out. Them’s some raunchy bears. I still can’t believe there were children sitting behind me. Their poor innocent ears. But boy did I laugh.

5. It doesn’t matter if attendance is limited and you can only see 2 inches of everyone’s face; Maria will still see someone she went to high school with.

This started when I first began going to White House with Maria. Every trip necessitated a trek to the local WalMart, where, without fail, we ran into someone from Maria’s graduating class. In small Tennessee towns, that’s not that far-fetched, though. It only turned really weird a couple of weeks ago.

I proposed to Maria on the shore of Madeira Beach. I made sure we went to the most isolated section I could find so we could get good sunset pictures. Now keep in mind, it wasn’t Spring Break. Schools had started back. But before I had time to brush the sand off my left knee, we heard “Maria?” One of her friends from high school came running up to hug her. No, I hadn’t invited her to enhance the surprise. She just happened to be there. On the same beach. On the same day. And she had gotten engaged just hours before. Whoa.

It doesn’t stop there. We were walking from the Seven Dwarfs Mine Train (the only ride that isn’t bumpier now) to Under the Sea when all of a sudden Maria takes off running and almost tackles this dude that was walking toward us. It took me a second to understand that, no, she wasn’t trying to steal some rando’s Dole Whip, it was just another friend from high school.

This all just goes to show that even with huge changes, mild discomforts, and limited capacity, Disney World is still a place where everyone longs to go. I can’t wait to go back. Thankfully, I only have to wait nine more days.

 

The Beast of Wall Street

I’m not gonna front, I’m getting fed up with all these live-action Disney remakes. Jon Favreau is kicking butt with the Mandalorian, but nobody needed the new Lion King. If something ain’t broke, don’t fix it, and the original 1994 cartoon is the closest thing to a perfect movie there is. I fell asleep during Tim Burton’s Dumbo (not an easy feat considering I was in a truck bed at a drive-in on a date, and I mean, it’s Tim Burton), and I haven’t even attempted to watch Disney+’s version of Lady and the Tramp. But my distaste for these unnecessary nuisances started with Beauty and the Beast.

Beauty and the Beast (1991) is my favorite Disney movie. Well, favorite Disney animated movie (Mary Poppins barely edges it out). And the 2017 remake looked like it should be everything I wanted and more: Hermione Granger and Matthew Crawley as the title pair, Gandalf and Obi-Wan as the dynamic duo of clock and candle, and Josh Gad as the lovable sidekick. But, ultimately, it fell short. Dan Stevens’ new solo song was really the only redeeming quality. Emma Watson’s autotune was egregious, LeFou misspelling Gaston’s name felt much less natural and comedic in this version, and WHO THOUGHT THEY COULD REPLACE ANGELA LANSBURY?!?!

I’m fine.

Really, I think the main problem with these remakes is that they are leaning 100% on the nostalgia front. As I mentioned last week, there must be a balance between nostalgia and originality to warrant a piece, in my opinion, enjoyable. So, I’ve taken it upon myself to try to redeem my favorite film by writing an updated version of Beauty and the Beast, set in modern times. I’ll give you the short version.

The movie opens on a blissful hill covered in green grass. The blue sky is full of fluffy clouds. The camera pans out to reveal this is the desktop background of a computer. The Microsoft Windows XP startup sound plays as the music begins. A small smiling paperclip pops up in the corner of the screen. Clippy happily begins narrating the story in his deep, syrupy voice.

“Once upon a time in a far away land, a young executive lived in a shiny studio apartment. Although he had everything his heart desired, the executive was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. He spent many nights swiping through dating apps, but he only judged people based on their outward appearance.

“One day, he matched with a beautiful enchantress. He invited her for coffee, but when he arrived, he discovered she was actually an old beggar woman. When he refused to pay for her drink, she warned him he would live alone forever. She also randomly cursed all of his possessions to talk, which, I mean, they already did that, this being 2019 and all, but now they talked more. Oh and they sang, too. OooOoooOohhhhhh.

“Anyways, the old woman saw there was no love in this businessman’s heart, so as punishment she transformed him into a hideous, unhirable monster–by stealing his phone and changing his LinkedIn profile pic to that one selfie he accidentally took while sneezing. She then quickly changed his password and vowed to reveal the new one only once he learned to love somebody more than something.

“As the weeks passed, he fell into despair and unemployment. He stopped shaving and bathing and trimming his toenails. He was certain no one could ever love him as he went full-on #beastmode.”

Oh wait, I said the short version. Okay, I’ll just give you the song list and let you go from there.

1. “Bell” – Our protagonist, a beautiful young girl named Belle, is twirling down the streets of Manhattan, listening to her favorite NPR podcast through her Airpods. In one hand, she carries her Kindle Fire, in the other, a reusable bag full of groceries. She is on her way to make her Shipt deliveries.

   She rings each person’s Ring doorbell (thus the song title) and sings a little ditty as her happy customers receive their groceries and talk about how sweet, if odd, Belle is. A few customers complain about the price of EGGS (a new company on the stock market–six shares is too expensive for the average layperson) and how Belle is distracted by her technology, but overall, everyone seems cheerful.

   Before she makes her last delivery, she stops into Starbucks. Her mobile order is waiting for her, but so is her least favorite barista: her ex-beau Gaston. He is a rugged and beefy hipster, complete with flannel shirt and handlebar mustache. All the VSCO girls swoon for Gaston, but Belle just wants her Americano. Gaston attempts to strike up a conversation, to which Belle simply points to her earbuds and shrugs. As she leaves, a new song begins.

2. “Roasted” – The audience stays in the coffee shop as Gaston is irritated about getting ghosted by Belle (notice the rhyme here: ghosted/roasted…we’ll make it work). His friend (a freelancer working on his for-sure-the-next-blockbuster screenplay) LeFou tries to cheer him up. He makes many punny references to coffee and a particularly clever line about “the only razor to touch your face is your flip phone.” (You see, as a bonafide hipster, Gaston refuses to get any smart device.)

   LeFou assures Gaston that he is the star of the show, the top of the billed cast, and that, no doubt, Belle is his leading lady. Gaston’s confidence quickly returns and he promises to win Belle back as he serves espresso shots to everyone in the Starbucks.

3. “Use Our Guest (WiFi)” – Meanwhile, Belle arrives to her last destination, the large loft of, you guessed it, the unemployed executive. She rings the doorbell, but no one answers. She wiggles the handle, because that’s what any good, honest delivery person would do (and she really doesn’t want this soy milk to sit out too long). It’s unlocked. She goes inside the dark apartment and, naturally, closes the door behind her.

   The walls are bare, save for a few cobwebs and Chinese takeout menus. There is a small glow coming from behind her. She turns quickly to see the Ring doorbell has followed her in. And, what’s more, it talks to her! Flummoxed, she stumbles backward onto the Ikea foldout futon. She hears another muffled voice coming from beneath her. She discovers she’s sitting on an Apple Watch, that is, also, talking to her. Her head reels as the devices try to calm her down.

   She immediately pulls up WebMD on her Kindle and tries to figure out what is wrong with her. However, the thick concrete walls of the loft are blocking out her T-Mobile 4G signal, and she can’t connect to the WiFi. She audibly bemoans this fact. The Ring doorbell pipes up: “Alexa, play Use Our Guest.” As the music begins, he starts singing the directions to log onto the Guest Wifi, as well as encourages Belle to make herself at home. Other appliances begin entering the room, and before she knows it, Belle is curled up on the futon with a heated blanket and a steaming cup of coffee watching season 6 of Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix.

4. “Are You Still Watching?” – Of course, this is the exact instant that the unemployed executi…okay, I’m just going to call him the Beast, comes in. He is in boxer shorts and an ironic Golden Girls tank top. He begins making a bowl of cereal before he realizes there is someone in his apartment. His bleary eyes focus just in time to see the big spoiler (McDreamy kissed who?!?!) after which he immediately loses his cool. Belle gets very scared and locks herself in the bathroom.

   Eventually the Beast calms down and his devices convince him to take a shower. He bargains with Belle to trade places with him so he can get clean. She agrees and flips through Netflix while the Beast washes up. Once he smells better and has shaved, he joins her on the couch. She complains she can’t find anything to watch on this inferior streaming service, so he asks her to close her eyes. She hears some clicks and blips and when he tells her it’s time to open, she can’t believe her eyes.

   “It’s called Disney+, and it’s the greatest library ever assembled. You can watch anything from That’s So Raven to Darkwing Duck. Just say the word and it’s yours.” They spend the rest of the evening talking and laughing and watching every single episode of The Suite Life on Deck. It really doesn’t get more romantic than that.

5. “The Fob Song” – However, not all is happy outside the apartment. Gaston has tracked Belle on Find My Friends to the Beast’s loft. He is convinced that she has been kidnapped and he attempts to assemble a group to go save her. Of course, the bystander effect prevails, and the rest of the Starbucks patrons all just look at their phones and pretend not to hear him. So he grabs LeFou and charges to the apartment himself.

   Outside the door, Gaston knocks and knocks since the doorbell is still chilling on the couch inside. But it’s the Lip Synchin’ in the Rain episode of Suite Life, so naturally they have the volume turned all the way up.

   Not to be deterred, Gaston brags that he is a master lockpick–he read how to do it on one of his hipster blogs, and really, that’s all it takes. He pulls out a bobby pin and his Starbucks gold card before realizing there’s no key hole. LeFou tries to explain to him that the loft door is fob-activated access only, but Gaston becomes angry with the “new-fangled technology” and leaves.

6. “Beauty and the Beat Saber” – This is my personal favorite song. It is sung by my favorite character, Madam Keurig, voiced by none other than, you know it, ANGELA LANSBURY!!!

   After a while, Belle’s legs go numb from sitting on the couch and having everything, literally, spoon fed her. The Beast offers to have his Brookstone leg massager waddle over, but she says she’d rather stand up for a minute. After some nudging from the doorbell and Apple Watch, the Beast asks her if she would like to dance with him. He shows her the latest version of Just Dance he ordered through Amazon Prime, but her eyes fall on his VR headsets (who have been sleeping this whole time).

   Gladly, the Beast puts one set on Belle before going into the virtual world himself. Inside, they begin an intense competition of Beat Saber. Outside in the real world, Madam Keurig’s son, K-Cup, hops over to her and asks her what is going on. The poor thing is young and naive, and was lobotomized by his own mother, so she has to explain to him, via song, that the Beast is finally falling in love.

   She sings to him that soon the two people wildly waving their arms around in the living room will start spending more time together, and if Belle is lucky, she may even get her own profile on the Beast’s Disney+ account.

   The song is cut short, however, as Gaston has returned with a Battering RAM. (You may be thinking of a typical angry mob, SWAT team battering ram. I’m talking about a Battering RAM, a small device no bigger than a flash drive, with enough battery power and RAM capacity to act as a universal fob key.) He enters the apartment and in typical hipster fashion, declares a duel of fisticuffs with the Beast. Of course, the Beast is in his own world, and due to his noise-canceling Bose headphones, has no awareness of Gaston’s presence.

   As the angry Gaston approaches the Beast, the devices jump into action. Madam Keurig yells “Alexa, Intruder Alert.” The lights all turn off. The door slams shut and locks. Eye of the Tiger begins blaring through the surround-sound stereo system. Gaston fumbles around like Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs for a second before the assault begins.

   Drones strike from above, Roombas from below. Madam Keurig shoots hot water at Gaston, causing him to scream and fall on the slick floor. (His manager kept telling him his Converse All Stars didn’t count as non-slip work shoes.) Lights flash, mechanical noises fill the room, the stove begins smoking intensely because, doggone it, somebody needs to incorporate the Carousel of Progress into a Disney movie!

   Nothing in any of Gaston’s readings on tying bow ties, whittling pocket knives, or decorating with antlers has prepared him for a fight with technology. Bested, he packs up, leaving the big city to live in a yurt in some poor, provincial town. I give him two weeks.

   Before long, the Beast and Belle profess their love for each other, and the Beast finally reveals his name: Elon Musk. He receives an email from beggar2blogger@gmail.com a few days later with a code to reset his LinkedIn password. The devices keep talking, but now just the normal amount, although there will probably be a Christmas sequel or something where they’ll all have to be cursed again.

   Anyways, everyone lives happily ever after and that is why, Mr. Bob Iger, you should buy this screenplay from me. And if you don’t want it, then I’ll just sell it to Netflix for their new season of Black Mirror.

 

The Entire Bikes Rack

It’s no surprise that since the release of Disney+, Star Wars has been a trending topic yet again. The Mandalorian just beat out Stranger Things’ streaming record and everyone is binging Episodes I-VII in preparation for Rise of Skywalker. But the trend that most recently caught my attention was what has been deemed “McClunky-gate.”

When I initially saw the name of the most recent Internet quasi-scandal, I wasn’t sure if it was going to be about a parody of MacGruber–the parody of MacGyver–or if Uncle Scrooge had decided to become an even less functional sidekick for GizmoDuck.

Of course it was neither of those things. Instead, we were blessed with yet another edit to the infamous Cantina scene wherein Han either does or doesn’t shoot first. (He does). Someone at Disney (I’m guessing Kathleen Kennedy), decided that maybe if Greedo said something offensive enough to Han, it would justify his cold-blooded murder. And thus McClunky was born.

But this article isn’t trying to defend Han Solo or Disney or even A New Hope. Instead it’s a look at some of the most referenced quotes from Star Wars and how they have changed, whether in our culture in general or just in my mind, since they were first uttered a long time ago. And for the sake of brevity, they will all come from the movie I watched last night: The Empire Strikes Back.

5. Misadventure: “I have a bad feeling about this.” -Princess Leia

I teach a lesson each year in my Writing for Communication Professions class about the concept of originality vs. nostalgia. And I always use Star Wars as an example. Specifically The Last Jedi. I don’t have the space, time, or desire to get into a philosophical argument about Episode VIII, but it is an interesting case study on this idea of how much should I as a writer seek to create my own world, especially if it is to be set in a pre-established universe. But let’s not dwell on Rian Johnson. Let’s look rather at George Lucas. Say what you will about his legacy after the prequels and some of the most meh dialogue ever written, the man was a master of combining originality and nostalgia. He knew how to throw you into a completely alien world but still make you feel at home. He knew how to keep tossing the same themes, plot catalysts, and even quotes at you movie after movie without making them feel hackneyed.

If I’m sitting down to watch a Star Wars movie, I want a light saber battle. I want someone at some point to get their arm cut off. And I want a main character to say “I have a bad feeling about this.” When I hear this line, I know the plot is about to thicken. And I know that, most likely, some type of physical landmark (a moon or a cave, for example) is going to be discovered to not actually be said physical landmark. But that’s what I want. The world Lucas built is what’s original. I want the characters within that world to act how I expect them to act. Which is why I’ll never get tired of hearing the characters I have grown to love profess their not-so-good feelings about whatever unfortunate situation they have found themselves in.

4. Misdirection: “They never even asked me any questions.” -Han Solo

This isn’t really one of the most referenced lines from Empire, but it’s definitely the one that hit me the hardest the first time I remember watching this movie. I already knew about the biggest plot twist of the film (maybe of all time), but I distinctly recall getting chills when Han collapsed while saying this line. That doesn’t happen often, so those instances really stick with me. (Like when the killers in The Strangers revealed that they were doing all this just because the protagonists “were home” or when Agent Z is revealed to be Buzz’s dead partner Warp Darkmatter–I mean who saw that coming?!)

I think the reason this line had such an effect on me was because of my view of Darth Vader. In my opinion, Vader is the greatest villain of all time. That’s why I don’t knock the prequels as much as other Star Wars fans. They made me care about why Anakin embraced the Dark Side. Just ask Maria; she knows that if there is a single mom in a movie, I’m automatically going to cry a lot and root for her kid.

But it wasn’t until this line in Star Wars that I truly saw Darth Vader as the villain. I had watched him blow up planets and murder his master, but there always seemed to be a method behind his madness. A purpose, an end goal that warranted these actions. But the torture of Han Solo seemed to be completely meaningless. Just a bad guy doing bad things. Of course, maybe he was just being a protective daddy: “If you hurt my little girl, laser brain, I’ll hurt you so much worse.”

3. Misused: “Do or do not. There is no try.” -Yoda

I’ve heard this quote used by motivational speakers, seen it on the walls of gyms, on t-shirts, posters, even tattoos. And, sure, Yoda was one of the wisest Jedis to ever live, but this quote is just plain wrong. Of course there is try. There are so many tries before there is do. You know this and I know. And Yoda knew it, too.

Anyone who has ever done anything knows that the honest quote would read “Try or try not. There is no do.” My uncle was telling me today that he had to take over 10,000 photos of birds to master the technique, rendering one awesome photo. (He’s taken several awesome photos, but you get the, pardon the pun, picture.) He couldn’t just go out on his first day and do. He had to try–for a long time.

And this isn’t just true in our universe; this is the Jedi way. In order to become a Jedi master, you must pass through a number of trials as a padawan. You must train for years, failing at times and learning from those failures. Most of Luke’s time on Dagobah is just a Rocky III-style training montage, with him trying out different aspects of the Force. And even when he thinks he is ready, Yoda and Obi-Wan both warn him that, essentially, he has not tried enough to do.

But Yoda didn’t expect Luke to take these words at face value. At least not in the end, when it mattered. Yoda didn’t need to wave his hand to perform a Jedi mind trick. He just needed to use his words. The majority of our exposure to Yoda in Empire revolves around him saying things he doesn’t mean. He goes all Rafiki on Luke at first, telling him he will lead him to this fabled Jedi Master, not letting on who he really is. He cracks wise about Luke’s food and size. And probably most shocking of all (even more shocking than the aforementioned quote), he says “there is no why.” This statement is even more false than “there is no try,” but they are both used to the same effect.

My uncle Mark makes YouTube tutorial videos for bird photography. He’s really good at it and makes it look so simple. So simple, in fact, that just the other day, someone called him hours after buying a camera and asked why his photos didn’t look as good as my uncle’s. “If you can do it, I can do it.” Well, no, not until you’ve taken the required 10,000 practice photos first. Luke was the same way. He thought he could defeat the most powerful Sith Lord in the galaxy with minimal training. But Yoda reminded him that until you can lift an entire X-Wing from a swamp without trying or without thinking through the steps, you aren’t ready. It takes a lot of trying and lot of reflecting on the why to get to the level of “There is no why, there is no try.”

2. Misremembered: “No. I am your father.” -Darth Vader

This is arguably the most well known movie quote of all time. It has been referenced in literally countless media, from books, movies, TV shows, you name it. The impact of these words has resonated through our culture since they were initially spoken in 1980. The entire Star Wars universe hinges on these five simple words. And yet, it gets misquoted 9 times out of 10.

Why do we do that? Why do we all remember the line as “Luke, I am your father”? Is it because we are trying to give it context? Maybe. Is it because our exposure to it is usually through secondhand sources that add Luke’s name. Most likely. But I think the ultiamte reason is because of the humanity of this relationship.

Many of the most iconic movie quotes are misremembered. We all cheer when Ingrid Bergman pleads, “Play it again, Sam.” And we all get a shiver down our spines when Colin Clive screams “He’s alive. He’s alive!” when his creation wiggles his fingers. But neither of those are the actual quotes. Our brains are programmed to seek out human interaction. It’s why we see faces on inanimate objects. I would argue it’s why we feel that phantom phone vibration in our pockets every five minutes. And I think it’s why we implant these characters names (or pronouns) into these movies. We even named this effect of false memory after a person: Nelson Mandela.

I’ve already mentioned that Vader is my favorite villain. And a lot of that has to do with the prequels. Sure, he’s whiny and ammophobic, but you know what else he is? Human. It’s funny, my second favorite villain has always been The Joker, for the exact opposite reason of Darth Vader. I like how we (used to) know virtually nothing about him. No name, no backstory, almost no intrinsic motivation. Which is why I had mixed feelings about the latest Joker movie. Sure it was compelling and visually enticing, but it gave too much humanity to a borderline inhuman villain.

Empire Strikes Back is different though. It gives just the right amount of humanity to a villain who just a few scenes before seemingly tortured a dude for no reason. Vader has spent the entirety of the movie (and many of his resources) chasing down these two–essentially–children. His crew doesn’t get it, but they fear him too much to object. What could drive someone to this kind of madness, this kind of power? He wants to find his kids.

Luke is gaining power as well, but he is still a human, as is his father. He makes rash judgments, his ego gets the best of him, and it seems that the slightest inconvenience sends him up in arms (well…arm). And that’s what we remind ourselves of every time we think of this humanizing scene from a space opera filled with aliens and droids. Darth Vader isn’t just a faceless evil warlord. He is Anakin Skywalker: apprentice of Obi Wan Kenobi, husband of Padme Amidala, and father to Leia and Luke Skywalker.

Misunderstood: “I love you.” -Princess Leia; “I know.” -Han Solo

For years, I thought Harrison Ford was just being cocky ol’ ad-libbin’ bring-a-gun-to-a-sword fight Harrison Ford. And maybe he was in the moment. But after reviewing the play (yay! sports reference), I have come to the conclusion that I’ve been misinterpreting this scene. I think he knew that he needed to change the line from the original script. After Leia finally professes her love for this space pirate, many people believe that Han was supposed to reply with “I love you, too.” After all, this would fit in with most of the other exchanges in the film. When Han tells Luke to be safe out there, Luke reciprocates. Lando expresses his delight in seeing his old friend again after all these years. So Han simply replies “You too.” But this scene called for more.

And Lawrence Kasdan knew that. Which is why he didn’t write Han saying “I love you, too.” Instead, the original line was “Just remember that, cuz I’ll be back.” Thankfully Ford threw that line away, allowing James Cameron to root it out of the trash a few years later for Terminator. He also wiped away any reassurances the audience would have that Han would survive the carbonite freezing. There was no “I’ll be back.” There was no “Keep that love alive, just like I’ll be, here in this block until Return of the Jedi comes out.” But there was also no doubt of Han’s love for Leia.

He had spent the whole movie trying to get her to come out with her true feelings. He knew them from the beginning. He didn’t let the name-calling and attempts to ignore him fool him. But that wasn’t his battle through Empire. He first needed to get her to realize her true feelings. Sure, they kiss and she compliments him before this scene, but it isn’t until she sees him being taken away from her, possibly forever, that she understands that she does, in fact, love him.

Leia watched everyone she ever loved blow up. She chose being an officer in the Rebellion over being a princess. She scolded Han for calling her “your worship,” maybe because it reminded her of her destroyed planet, but more likely because she didn’t want him to think of her as someone superior. She didn’t know she had any family left–she had never truly known her real family–and she just needed someone who loved her for her. Not just her status, not just the persona she put on in times of crisis, but all the other parts of Leia as well. But first she had to come to love herself.

That crucial moment, that “I love you,” speaks volumes to Leia’s character development throughout these two films. Han could have told her all of that. And I think that he did with just two words. Those two words told Leia everything she needed to know. She loved Han Solo. He loved her. She was able to love again, and be loved in return. And she loved herself. And before too long, she would discover that there were others she could love and be loved by, too. Though it may have seemed like it at the time, this wasn’t the end of Leia’s love life. Instead, it was the beginning of the strongest force in the galaxy: family.

Think that’s a cheesy way to wrap up a blog post about Star Wars? I know.

Epcot’s Royal Enhancement

This week marks the end of my favorite time of the year: Epcot’s Food and Wine Festival. Maria and I have tried to make the most of the event: exploring different cultures, immersing ourselves in the scents, sights, and sounds of all the various sections of World Showcase, and diving into the…okay who am I kidding? I’ve been camped out in Belgium shoveling Beer Braised Beef down my gullet every chance I get.

But the conclusion of Food & Wine Fest isn’t a sad occasion (unless that B.B.B. recipe on Pinterest is a phony). Instead, it’s a time for new beginnings. The holidays are upon us now. We get to enjoy lots of good (albeit non-beer braised) food with our families for Thanksgiving. We can shop for the latest gadgets (hopefully a beer-braising device) on Black Friday and Cyber Monday. And of course, there’s Christmas to look forward to. And it appears that Epcot is also taking this opportunity to focus on new beginnings.

Last time we visited Epcot, I noticed a large construction crane looming behind Germany and China. Per the map on the Disney app, there is quite a lot of free space back there, occupied mostly by trees. Which led me to believe that Disney is preparing to add a new country to their World Showcase. There has been much speculation as to what might be included, but I am convinced that there is only one truly viable option for the space. And after you read my arguments, I have no doubt that you will sign my change.org petition to bring none other than Genovia to the most magical place on Earth.

The Princess Diaries and its sequel brought us the land of Genovia. This noble, proud, and brave principality is the perfect setting for a new section of the Disney park. There are a number of different aspects of the countries in World Showcase, and Genovia can easily host not one, not two, but all of them. Let me take you on a journey across the Atlantic.

1. Native cuisine. I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t go to Epcot for the rides or shows or characters. I go for the food. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this yet, but Belgium has the most delicious…oh I have? Well, a close contender to the incomparable beer-braised beef is, in fact, not an entree, but a dessert. The Caribbean’s guava and cheese quesito warrants multiple trips (even on the same day). And much like the Caribbean’s tropical fruit, Genovia is also known for its produce production. (I’m not talking about grapes–you’ll want to steer clear of those.) Their blossoming pear trees are ripe for recipes. I might skip over my favorite quesito for a taste of some authentic Genovian pear popcorn.
2. Musical ambiance. Whether it’s steel drums in the African outpost or kotos and konghou’s in Japan, music is an integral part of Epcot’s portrayal of culture. Genovia would be no different. The national anthem boasts a beautiful score and lyrics to match. And just when you start to think you might be getting tired of it, BOOM, “Breakaway” by Kelly Clarkson comes over the loud speakers.
3. Character meet and greets. Julie Andrews. Nuff said.
4. Recognizable landmark. Most of the pavilions feature large replicas of the nation’s most notable landmarks. Lit up around the lake, Independence Hall, the Aztec temple, and the Japanese pagoda (to name a few) are immensely impressive when illuminated. Not only would the Genovian Palace fit right in, but it has the potential to outshine all but perhaps Spaceship Earth.
5. Shops. If you need a break from the heat, you have gotten your fill of Genovia’s magnificent mountains and seas, or you are trying to escape the loud drunk guy stumbling away from the neighboring Biergarten, feel free to step inside the air conditioned, impossibly spacious “Closet of the Queen.” It’s like having your own mall!
6. Shows. This one took me a minute to figure it out. But when I realized what it must be, I couldn’t believe Disney hadn’t already made this dream a reality. Three words: Princess Sleepover Sing-a-Long. This would expand past just the characters of the movie. Four times a day, all of the Disney princesses would gather in Thermopolis Theater, donning their most royal PJ’s to sing some of their favorite Disney pop anthems. I know you didn’t know you needed to see Anna and Elsa sing a duet of “Your Crowning Glory” until now. You’re welcome.
7. Rides. I’m most excited for “Mia and Clarisse’s Wild Ride.” You thought the line for the Frozen ride was bad, just wait until tourists get a whiff of this part roller coaster, part virtual reality experience. Jump in the backseat as Mia and unlicensed driver Queen Clarisse take off through the streets of San Francisco. Feel the wind in your hair, hear the trolley whizz by, smell the corn dogs. Before you know it, Mia takes a wrong turn and BAM! you are thrown from the car only to land on a soft and squishy mattress…at the top of a giant staircase. You and the royal ladies bump and scream down the seemingly never-ending flight of stairs until you hit the bottom with a…splash? As the water rolls away from your 3D glasses, you come face to face with Chris Pine. When he helps you out of the fountain (and you finish swooning) he challenges you to a horse race. As you cross the finish line, Joe whisks you away into his limo, where he rushes–no, hastens–you back to the palace just in time to make the royal ball. You may look like a moose after this wild ride, but a very cute moose.

Need I go on, Disney? At this point, you will be doing yourself a serious disservice if you build anything other than Genovia. And for anyone who has no idea what I’ve been talking about this whole time, go do yourself a favor and watch BOTH Princess Diaries movies (or at least Maria’s Instagram rant about them).

Oceans rise, empires fall, but Genovia’s banner will forever wave!

The Country Bears 2: The Pandalorian

The streets are empty. All is quiet — an eeriness necessitated by the chaos of last night. The sun struggles to shine through the dust and haze and super-glued-shut blackout curtains. It’s been 101 years and a day since the world has felt this level of uneasy serenity. But this day of armistice isn’t between power-hungry world powers. Well actually, yes it is. The fight that has finally settled was not waged by the Allies and the Central Powers, but by the American populace and the ever-growing Walt Disney Corporation.

That’s right, as a new day dawns, millions of citizens are waking up zombified from the events of the previous evening. The seemingly endless amount of content to stream on Disney+ has left many contemplating, “Will I ever need to leave my house again?” But the question I found myself asking as the dusk turned to dawn was “What will I watch next?”

With most of Disney’s athenaeum now at my fingertips, I decided it was time to resurrect my blog on all things Walt Disney, because I have the feeling that you don’t already have enough Disney in your life (he wrote sarcastically, slightly cynically, and totally for the sole purpose of selling out). So let’s quit dilly-dallying and do as the 2007 Corbin Bleu DCOM urges, Jump In!

Maria and I have long been anticipating November 12th. It has become a running joke as we traverse Disney World. “Have you ever seen the Swiss Family Robinson movie that was clearly the original inspiration for this treehouse?” “No, but November 12th.”

Needless to say, yesterday we had some tough decisions to make. Namely, what do we watch first? We unanimously agreed that The Mandalorian took priority, but once we finished the very satisfying 40 minute episode, we wanted more. We scrolled through the exhaustive list of TV shows and movies, until Maria found the answer. “THE COUNTRY BEARS!” she screamed loud enough to awaken even the deepest of hibernating beasts. “We have to watch the Country Bears.”

Now, as you know, I am a huge fan of Walt Disney’s original rides and shows. That is, attractions that were not based on movies, but conceived as nothing more than a ride. Pirates of the Caribbean and Haunted Mansion are my two favorite rides at Magic Kingdom. Which I believe is why Maria was so shocked at the fact that I had never been to the Country Bears Jamboree inside the park, nor watched the movie based on the show. So the choice was made for me.

And I will be the first to admit: I loved the movie. It was classic early-2000s Disney screenwriting, while incorporating two of my favorite things: the live-music plot of Blues Brothers and giant animatronic puppets. I laughed till I could hardly bear it (see what I did there?). And when the end credits rolled 90 minutes later, I turned to Maria and said, “Alright, let’s watch Country Bears 2!”

If you are at all familiar with the CBCU (Country Bears Cinematic Universe), then you know that there is no sequel to the musical masterpiece. A shame, I know. Well, luckily for you, I have already begun writing the sequel which I will pitch to Disney posthaste. But while we wait for their people to contact my people, I will give you a taste of the plot.

It is first important to realize that we live in a different world than that which the first Country Bears movie was released into. Disney can’t make a movie anymore without three things: a strong female lead, significant ethnic diversity, and some gimmick to ensure that they make money. Well I have included all three of these in my screenplay. Let me take you on the Hiber Nation Tour bus ride that is “The Country Bears 2: The Pandalorian.”

***Disclaimer: If you haven’t seen the original Country Bears movie, stop reading now and go watch it. There will be some spoilers.***

As you know, the band is back together and Beary has secured his spot as the newest member of the Country Bears. But what does the biggest group in the world do now that they have saved their beloved music hall? Go on an international tour, of course! So as the band prepares to set out on their Bears Without Borders tour, they realize they don’t know anything about international culture. After all, they aren’t the Countries Bears.

Band manager Henry has the fix for this: to add a new band member, someone from overseas. Enter Lori Anne, a young and attractive panda bear straight from China. Lori Anne has it all: looks, knowledge of the world, and she can play a killer mandolin. Naturally, Beary becomes smitten by the newest addition to the crew.

Throughout the fun and games of Act 2, the Bears perform in world-famous buildings, bringing in a slew of surprise cameos. Lori Anne and Beary become very close, but as the midpoint hits, Lori Anne tells Beary he could be so much more successful if he would ditch these old guys and just go on tour with her. Beary has a very difficult decision to make. Will he stick with his tried and true family, or buzz off with his new honey bae?

Well, obviously I’m not going to spoil the ending, but I think I’ve got enough here to at least get my foot in the door at Disney HQ? It’s either that or I’ll have Beary discover who his real father is, only to watch him get decapitated by a black bear, and then vow to enact his revenge by becoming an even better bounty hunter. I haven’t decided yet.

Red hair and hand-me-down clothes? Must be a mermaid.

While working on my Bachelor’s degree, I wrote a paper comparing the protagonists of two of my favorite films: Dirty Dancing and The Little Mermaid. (Yes that sentence seems to have a long wrong with it, but I can assure you, it’s all true.) I thought that I had found the perfect human counterpart for Ariel in Baby Houseman. Leaving daddy’s overprotective care to learn how to use her feet and in so doing having the time of her life — surely there was no other beloved film character to reflected all the things I loved about my favorite mermaid. Boy was I wrong.

Today, as I’m sure you know by now, is the 20th anniversary of the first publication of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone being released in the U.K. To celebrate, Snapchat has brought back their Harry Potter filter. Amidst all of my diligent novel reading and essay writing, I took a “brief” break to make a few videos for my story. While playing around with this filter, I realized I was wearing my Little Mermaid t-shirt, and wondered if the filter would work on Ariel’s face as well. Sure enough, a lightning-shaped scar and round spectacles appeared on the front of my shirt. This gave me an idea: let’s play a game with my loyal and devoted fan base, all half-dozen of them. I cued up Spotify and played a few seconds of scores from the different movies, asking my followers to guess whether the song was from Harry Potter or The Little Mermaid. It was funny to me how similar some of the songs sounded. It got me thinking: what else do these two masterpieces have in common?

What else do they have in common?! Holy moley did I ponder that question for waaaaay too long. There are the obvious correlations: mermaids; small, lovable characters with Jamaican accents; a large castle hidden from Muggles/humans. But there was something else, something bigger that I just couldn’t see. What was it? What is it about Ariel that reminds me of Harry Potter. Harry Potter doesn’t have long red hair and a sassy “I’m not a little girl anymore” attitude…but his wife does.

That’s right folks. Ginny Weasley is the wizarding equivalent of Ariel. Don’t believe me ask the fishes! (Oh wait…wrong Disney song. Although I’m pretty sure Alan Menken totally just recycled Les Poissons for Be Our Guest.) Ariel is the youngest of seven siblings. Her grotto (a literal synonym of “Burrow”) is filled with human (Muggle) artifacts. She falls in love with a boy with scruffy dark hair and a white-coated pet. But that’s just on the surface (pun intended).

When the antagonist (Voldemort/Ursula) decides to retrieve what was once theirs (human form/voice), they decide to go through our leading lady (Ginny/Ariel). They use a written document (Tom Riddle’s Diary, “one voice” contract) to dupe the damsel in distress, causing her to need rescuing from aforementioned scruffy boy (Harry/Eric) by stabbing (basilisk fang in diary/boat in Ursula’s enlarged belly). The antagonist sends out their snake-like sidekicks (Nagini/Flotsam and Jetsam) to attack her father (Arthur/Triton), before boy gets nerve to kiss the girl and save the day.

I could go on and on (elder wand/Triton’s trident, horcruxes/poor unfortunate souls, you get the picture). But I’ll just leave you with this picture of Ginny in her Yule Ball dress, and let you decide for yourself whether or not she was inspired by Ariel.

Best Bromances of Beauty and the Beast

There’s hardly a fairy tale romance as well-known as Beauty and the Beast. Clearly, as the title informs, the main relationship is between Belle and Prince Adam (I’m sure he would have rather been called this in the movie). And while I sobbed through their iconic dance number, and weeped through the library scene, and cried ugly, ugly tears through the final ten minutes, there are many more great relationships in this tale as old as time. And (as you may have heard by now) many of them are bromances. So let’s count down the best bromances from Disney’s new live-action version of Beauty and the Beast. WARNING: THERE WILL BE SPOILERS.

4. Froufrou and Maestro Cadenza

Everyone knows that dog is man’s best friend. Likewise, no pianist would imagine his instrument without its seat. Due to the size of the castle and the difficult mobility of his cursed form, Cadenza loses touch with his beloved friend Froufrou. The dog/bench has spent the many years (ten in the animated, but undisclosed in this version) of lockdown with his other master, Madame Garderobe. The couple and their dog are all reunited after the battle of the castle, however, their celebration is short-lived when the last rose petal falls. While the Beast’s death is meant to be the main focus, FrouFrou’s “death” at his master Cadenza’s feet was the most heart-wrenching moment of the scene. But alas, dog and owner are restored to life and the reunion is a most joyous occasion.

3. Maurice and Philippe

Though not as common as the man/dog friendship mantra, Maurice has a special connection with his horse Philippe. Belle’s ingenuity is highlighted through her laundry invention featuring her horse, but the relationship seems pretty one-sided (which as we’ll see in a minute doesn’t necessarily negate the bromance, but that fact that Belle is not a bro does). Philippe and Maurice however make a great team. Maurice counts on his trusty steed to take him into a larger town each year to stock up on provisions. In return, Maurice takes excellent care of Philippe. Even when he nearly died, Maurice made sure his horse had hay and water before continuing on to find his own sustenance. But the true test of this bromance comes when Maurice’s life is on the line. Surrounded by fallen trees, rabid wolves, and magical snow, Maurice comes within inches (quite literally) of getting mauled by ol’ Scarface (as I call him, I’m not sure the wolf’s actual name). At the last minute, Philippe swoops in, saves Maurice, and takes him to what he believes is safety, all the while shouting over his shoulder “say hello to my little friend.” (Okay, that last part didn’t happen) And when Maurice is captured, Philippe runs back through the forest where he was almost eaten, all the way back to Belle, and then back through the woods AGAIN. Talk about a sweet friendship. Or as Snoop Dogg might say, a pie in the horse.

2. Gaston and LeFou

Yes, this is the bromance that sparked all sorts of controversy for Disney. And it still doesn’t even get the top slot on this list of great bromances. But this is due to the fact that this bromance is seriously lopsided. While Gaston does claim LeFou as his oldest and best friend, his focus is on the “bro” aspect of the bromance. Or maybe the “man,” but most likely his focus is just on himself. LeFou on the other hand wouldn’t mind lopping the b off the front of the word. Josh Gad does a great job at making you feel sorry for his character who is constantly overlooked. But you also can’t help but root against GasFou, because you know the little guy can do so much better. Thankfully, at the end he comes to his senses, even before his friend falls to his doom, and helps the objects in the castle defeat the townsfolk. He is rewarded in the end, and I think he also moves on pretty quickly.

1. Lumiere and Cogsworth

The charm of this bromance is their constant bickering, which isn’t at prevalent here as in the animated version, but it’s still there. But just think, if you were cooped up in a castle with even your best friend for over ten years, you’d bicker too. But what Lumiere and Cogsworth have is definitely a bromance. Sure, Gaston and LeFou have a great musical number in the bar, but it’s spur of the moment, as is evident in LeFou’s clumsiness and inability to spell his best friend’s name. However, “Be Our Guest” is perfectly choreographed, down to a tea (pun intended). That song and dance routine would have taken months, maybe even longer to come up with, practice, and perfect. Only true bros would take the time to put that whole thing together. Let’s all take a minute to sit back and imagine Lumiere and Cogsworth writing and choreographing Be Our Guest. It’s a great image.

In this version, Sir Ian McKellen portrays Cogsworth. He is also known to be one half of one of the internet’s favorite bromances with his best friend and X-Men rival, Sir Patrick Stewart. So he’s no stranger to a good bromance. And honestly, the only other person I could think of worthy of a bromance with Gandalf himself is Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Jafar the Hutt

Over the past few weeks, I have been watching the Star Wars episodes. For some reason on this watch-thru of my favorite marathon movies, I took an interest in Jabba the Hutt’s character. He is obviously overshadowed by Darth Vader and the other Siths in the series, but he is still a great villain.

With the new Han Solo movie in production, I also tried to focus more on his story rather than the primary arc of Luke. This put Jabba even more in the foreground, and also sparked another revelation: Han Solo’s story in Star Wars is eerily similar to Aladdin’s.

I have heard several people compare Aladdin with Les Miserables. While both protagonists steal bread and are imprisoned unjustly for it, I would argue that our favorite street rat shares much more in common with our favorite nerf herder.

Both Han and Al would probably consider themselves professional thieves. With the help of their furry friend (Chewbacca/Abu), they travel around trying to just get by. They also have the help of one of the fastest vehicles (Millennium Falcon/magic carpet) and a very handy blue friend (Genie/R2D2). But their story takes an interesting turn when they meet, and subsequently fall in love with the princess.

The real trouble comes when the princess is captured, chained up, and forced to wear scantily clad clothes for the bad guy (Jafar/Jabba). The snake-like villain uses her as collateral to get what he really wants, the head of the scavenger who stole from him. But blinded by love (or possibly from hibernation sickness), the hero swoops in, saves the day, and escapes the clutches of the evil J-man, all while rocking a vest. It’s just a shame George Lucas didn’t hire Alan Menken to write the music for that awful Jedi Rock’s song.

I’m sure I’ve missed several similarities. Comment any more that you guys think of!

 

It’s You and Ol’ Jack

Last night I finally watched the fourth installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. I had been boycotting On Stranger Tides for five years, simply because Keira Knightley wasn’t in it. But the teaser for Dead Men Tell No Tells played during the previews before Rogue One, so I decided Penelope Cruz would have to be a suitable replacement, and thus I bit the proverbial bullet and regained faith in my tied-for-fourth favorite film series (behind Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Star Wars, and tied with Jurassic Park).

To me the Pirates of the Caribbean series is one of the most fascinating film projects to date. Disney has created a soon-to-be five piece cinematic universe based solely on a 15 minute water ride. The original ride at Disneyland was the last attraction that Walt Disney worked on himself, although he died before it officially opened (this is why many people believe his frozen body is kept under this ride, but see my “11/11: Make a Wish!” entry for the real story). The ride gave us the most iconic pirate song of all time, just barely surpassing Veggie Tales “We are the Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything”, and it produced one of my favorite Disney characters, Prison Dog.

The ride (I’m referring to the Magic Kingdom one now, since I’ve never been to Disneyland) obviously had a huge impact on the movies, what with the name of the films, the Black Pearl, and…uh…well that’s about it. Now that I think about it, Prison Dog is really the only character from the original ride who made it into the original trilogy. There were plenty of dudes with dirty feet and women in corsets dancing in animatronic, drunken circles, but ol’ “Poochie” was the only specific character who made the cut.

His role in the first film plays off his role on the ride. He is a loyal guard dog holding the keys in his mouth, unswayed by constant whistles and even a nice femur bone from the Captain himself (not Jack’s femur, but a dead dude’s femur that the Captain is holding.) But even Prison Dog eventually wanders away from the ride’s story line in the second and third movies. He becomes part of the comedic trio with Ragetti and Pintel in Dead Man’s Chest, and if you stayed through the credits (which by now you should know to do with all Pirates and Marvel movies) you’d know that Prison Dog is crowned king of Pelegosto after Jack escapes — although “mo licky licky” means something entirely different to a dog. Thankfully he too manages to get away from this island, in an oddly similar manner to Captain Sparrow: on the back of sea turtles. In the third film, we find Poochie in the keep of Jack’s father, one Keith Richards.

The absence of the Prison Dog from the fourth movie was just as troubling to me as writing out Elizabeth Swan. Because it finally marked the separation of the films from the ride. Even if Disney World decided to put Ian McShane’s face in a waterfall at the beginning, we never set foot in Tortuga, we never sailed on the Black Pearl, and the Prison Dog was nowhere to be found. It also put a serious damper on my fan theory that Prison Dog will become first mate of the Pearl with Captain Jack and the two of them will sail off into either the sunset or the abyss whistling “Yo Ho”. Of course, this could still happen in Dead Men Tell No Tales, but I think it would be the perfect ending to the franchise. Jack laid some foreshadowing for this in the first film when he said “Come on Doggy. It’s just you and me now. It’s You and ol’ Jack.” I want these to be the last words of the entire franchise, fade out with whistling, and of course Hans Zimmer’s brilliant score.

Think about it. They meet in prison (which is also where we meet the dog for the first time in the ride). They escape the prison together. Then, they both are crowned by a tribal, cannibalistic people, and both escape. They both ride on the backs of turtles to safety, and eventually both end up with Captain Teague, who we also know was the one who trained the dog in the first film. So basically both were raised by the same man. Captain Jack and Prison Dog are two sides of the same cursed piece of Aztec gold and I hope Disney has enough sense to have them together at the end of their epic series. A captain always goes down with his ship, but he also needs his best friend by his side.

Love it or Let it Go. Fridays at 9

Out of all the Disney songs named after reality T.V. shows, “Fixer Upper” is definitely my favorite. It is sung by a group of rock trolls who are trying to convince Princess Anna of Arendelle to marry their adopted son, the goofy and lovable Kristoff. But the title of this song has a deeper meaning, an Easter Egg that is hidden throughout the film. Because while most believe that Frozen is based on The Snow Queen, they are only half-correct. You see, it is clear after several viewings (not that I’ve, haha, like watched Frozen several times, or anything…) that there was another source of inspiration for this film: HGTV’s Fixer Upper.

I know this seems impossible, what with the show’s recent scandal and the heavy feminist agenda in the film, but stick with me. While, yes, Elsa’s journey of finding her independence is identical to Hans Christian Anderson’s Snow Queen, there is another story, a love story, which takes its roots from none other than Joanna and Chip Gaines.

While the writers of Frozen knew it would be too obvious to call the main character Joanna and Chip, they still didn’t change them all that much. They simply lopped the “Jo” off of the front of her name and gave their princess red hair. And they changed Chip to Kristoff, but kept his personality pretty much intact. They even made Kristoff look EXACTLY like Chip. For real. It’s scary.

And then there’s their story. Joanna knew she wanted to get into decoration and home design from a young age. This is evident in Anna’s childhood as well. The first thing we hear her singing about is building. She even admits that when she’s alone, she talks to the wall decorations, which I’m sure happens at Magnolia Market as well.

After Anna comes of age, she does what all young princesses do, and falls in love with the first attractive guy she sees. This feeling is very new to her and she struggles to describe it. The only way she knows how to do this is to use home construction metaphors. She proclaims that love is an open door, undoubtedly a reference to the countless entryways she has installed in suburban houses at this point in her life.

Of course, that door shuts before long, and poor Anna is heartbroken. That is until she meets the fun-loving, ruggedly blonde goofball Kristoff. They fall in love, get hitched, and get a primetime slot of HGTV (this is only in the director’s cut). And Elsa and Anna finally reconnect and their sisterhood is rivaled in unbreakable sibling-ry  only by the Property Brothers.

I would also like to point out that out of all the Disney princesses, Elsa is the only one who builds her own castle. So it looks like Anna’s passion did end up rubbing off on her bigger sister. All those years of pestering her to build a snowman led to not just an astounding architectural accomplishment, but also one of the greatest Disney characters and Taylor Swift costumes: Olaf!